I’m sure a post like this has been done before, but I’ve been seeing all of these Facebook characters in real life over the past year–and I’ve been each one of these at some point in time. So, for your reading pleasure, I give you “The Five People You Meet on Facebook”:
1. The Announcer–Thanks to this person, you don’t have to watch any sports games, political debates, or even American Idol. The Announcer will give you a running commentary of televised events right on your Facebook newsfeed. I never watch sports or the news, but I still know enough to riff about them based on what The Announcer posted on Facebook the night before.
2. The Megaphone–Megaphones are a special breed. They like to use Facebook to get up on a soapbox and type passionately about the topics and issues they care about–be it politics, religion, animals, or McDonald’s. The Megaphone likes to occasionally type long, wordy statuses that nobody has time to read. Chances are the people who “like” these statuses are the ones who agree with what the The Megaphone wrote, while the people who comment on these statuses usually disagree with what The Megaphone wrote. Beware, though, that The Megaphone is willing to take you up on a debate at any point in time, so be prepared for a comment war.
3. The Narcissist–The Narcissist is usually a young, female Facebook user, but sometimes there are guys who fall into this category. They will post a selfie almost every day. Their self esteem hangs on the approval of others. Disagree? Then why else would they post a photo of themselves every single day? They’re either insecure or vain…or maybe just bored with life. Note: you need to have at least one other person in the photo in order for it not to be a selfie. I’d put myself in this category, except I don’t post a selfie often enough to classify as a narcissist.
The Narcissist can also extend to being a person who posts too many statuses each day. This person thinks the world should know when they’re walking the dog, driving to Taco Bell, and visiting their grandma. These mundane events are important to them, and they want all their Facebook friends to know that they are steaming the vegetables before they fry the chicken cutlets. YOLO!
4. The Linker–This person doesn’t post Facebook statuses. They just post links. They share funny links with their friends, they post songs that they think everybody should hear, and they post links to promote their outside-Facebook material. Then, to their disappointment, nobody cares about what they posted. The Linker is a marketer at heart, even if they never studied or worked in marketing. No likes? Insights are down.
5. The Gamer–All those requests for Farmville, Candy Crush Saga, and whatever other game people have been playing these days usually comes from The Gamer. I have a distant relative on Facebook who asks me for a life on Candy Crush Saga every day, without fail. I love you, dear distant cousin-in-law, but can we interact outside of the gaming zone? There are some people who base entire friendships off their game interactions.
“How’s so-and-so doing? Have you two been talking lately?” “She’s good. She sent me a request on Candy Crush Saga last week and she helped me unlock the next episode.” That’s what friends are for.
Bonus: A term I’ve seen before, The Silent Liker.
The Silent Liker is someone you almost never talk to on Facebook–and usually, you don’t see each other in real life, either. However, The Silent Liker wants you to know that they still care enough to like what you post. And they like your posts pretty frequently. They just don’t want to engage in any interaction beyond that.
Am I missing anyone? What Facebook archetypes can you think of? Please let me know in the comments. I like web commentary
PS Part 2 of How I Got Panic Disorder is currently being typed. So it will be up soon, for those who want to find out what happens next.
[edit: Sometimes The Megaphone has something to say that is worthy of your time. Sometimes.]