Rethinking My Gravatar

For many years, people have known me as this girl:

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The photo, filtered on VSCO, was taken by a friendly acquaintance from an entertainment system installation company.

It was taken during the summer at my second-to-last job, when I was a receptionist/admin for the holding group of several luxury audio equipment companies. We had just moved to a townhouse in SoHo to create a showroom, and I spent many days on ground level surrounded by construction workers, electricians, and moving men.

I never quite felt like I truly belonged at this job, but any displacement I felt became more obvious after the move downtown. However, when the guys from the tech setup place were around, I felt a sense of camaraderie.

It was a warm day and I felt pretty, dressed in my silky black top with my olive green scarf. I had ironed my hair the night before, which was not the norm. Not sure why I made so much extra effort on this particular day, but I guess that’s what I did back then.

The doors to the house were famous for featuring replaceable panes designed by local artists. Every month or so, the panes would get swapped, and passersby would have a new work of art to use as a selfie backdrop.

As I hung out of the double door, engaged in conversation with two guys from the tech company, I realized this might make a good photo.Β Thus my profile pic for many platforms was born. And yet, I feel so far away from who that girl was.

Even as I type this, my memories are fuzzy. Was this in 2015 or 2016? What month was it? Was the guy’s name Alex or Ramon?

But beyond that, this variation of myself no longer exists.

This “me” was a little more worldly, a little more intellectual. Still warm and friendly, still a believer, but very concerned about fitting in with her surroundings. She listened to a lot more music, from various genres, and prided herself on having eclectic tastes. She did not mind inhaling secondhand smoke. She ate junk food without a second thought, and always had a stash of chocolate or off-brand thin mint cookies in her cabinet. She was young, she was foolishly optimistic, and while she may not have been as naive as people thought, she still did not know much about how the world worked yet.

But most of all, she could not see a future for herself beyond the present.

Am I still that girl? So much has changed since then. And I have changed, too, though there are still certain aspects of me that remain.

Maybe I’ll post about these changes sometime. But first, I should probably update my Gravatar.

~Nikita

 

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